bleh

Bleh...that is how I feel right now. It is 12:34 am, and I am not asleep. My small baby is, so that means I should be, but unfortunately my body does not allow sleep at my will. Presently I have too many thoughts in my head to sleep, so here I am to get them all out. Motherhood is wonderful. I really love Isaiah, and I love being with him. That said, it is so much harder than I thought it would be. I thought I would have time to get all of my undone projects completed, take care of the baby, and have an immaculate house. This is not so. I can barely get anything done. Isaiah comes first, and I am fine with that, but I am drowning in other things to do. Chris feels that I should be able to keep the house clean on my own, so he has stopped all house hold related chores except taking out the trash. I can't get everything done, and I feel guilty for doing anything just for myself while he comes home from work and does whatever he wants. Even when he is home, I take care of Isaiah. I don't mind that in itself, but I need some help if I am going to be his only everything. I feel like a failure if I ask for help, and Chris doesn't see that I need it all on his own. I guess I am going to have to say something, but I don't want to feel like I don't live up to his expectations as a wife and mother. I haven't had any real time to do something I wanted to do in the last 7 weeks that Isaiah has been here, and I am beginning to understand that I won't for a very long time. What can I do to make Chris understand that I really am doing all that I can and not being lazy. All he sees is that I have the TV on a lot, and I don't get out of my pajamas until late in the day if at all. He doesn't understand that I don't have time to get dressed and ready, and the TV is mostly for noise as I play with, nurse and feed Isaiah as well as clean constantly. I never get enough sleep, and when I have the opportunity to sleep like now, I inexplicably lay in the bed for hours begging God to grant me sleep. Really, I don't know what the right answer is here. I just need some help.