bleh

Bleh...that is how I feel right now. It is 12:34 am, and I am not asleep. My small baby is, so that means I should be, but unfortunately my body does not allow sleep at my will. Presently I have too many thoughts in my head to sleep, so here I am to get them all out. Motherhood is wonderful. I really love Isaiah, and I love being with him. That said, it is so much harder than I thought it would be. I thought I would have time to get all of my undone projects completed, take care of the baby, and have an immaculate house. This is not so. I can barely get anything done. Isaiah comes first, and I am fine with that, but I am drowning in other things to do. Chris feels that I should be able to keep the house clean on my own, so he has stopped all house hold related chores except taking out the trash. I can't get everything done, and I feel guilty for doing anything just for myself while he comes home from work and does whatever he wants. Even when he is home, I take care of Isaiah. I don't mind that in itself, but I need some help if I am going to be his only everything. I feel like a failure if I ask for help, and Chris doesn't see that I need it all on his own. I guess I am going to have to say something, but I don't want to feel like I don't live up to his expectations as a wife and mother. I haven't had any real time to do something I wanted to do in the last 7 weeks that Isaiah has been here, and I am beginning to understand that I won't for a very long time. What can I do to make Chris understand that I really am doing all that I can and not being lazy. All he sees is that I have the TV on a lot, and I don't get out of my pajamas until late in the day if at all. He doesn't understand that I don't have time to get dressed and ready, and the TV is mostly for noise as I play with, nurse and feed Isaiah as well as clean constantly. I never get enough sleep, and when I have the opportunity to sleep like now, I inexplicably lay in the bed for hours begging God to grant me sleep. Really, I don't know what the right answer is here. I just need some help.

the bottle

Isaiah is a breastfed baby. He is very happy being one. Today we attempted to give him a bottle. We did this for a few reasons. We would like to go out without him for valentine's day, and I am going to work one day a week starting at the end of this month. I pumped out enough milk to satisfy him for at least one feeding. At first it seemed that we would have success on the bottle front. Chris attempted to give it to him, because the books said that someone other than me should give it to him so he wouldn't want to nurse. He drank about an ounce before he started spitting it out. Chris thought he wasn't hungry, but as soon as I picked him up he tried to nurse through my shirt. We tried a different type of nipple, I tried holding the bottle, but nothing worked. Finally it got to the point that we put the bottle in his mouth and he changed from a happy baby to a screaming one, take the bottle out and back to happy Isaiah. I am not sure what to do, but he has to take a bottle at some point. I guess we will just keep trying daily until he will take it.